Most of us have felt stuck.
Usually, the thing standing in our way is not the obstacle we believe it to be.
The following excerpt from The Art of True Advantage explores why we often stop ourselves long before we are truly stopped.
“When do we stop moving toward what we want? What occurs when we exceed our capacity to confront what is happening? How can we become aware of when we are off track and get back to making meaningful progress?
None of us know how much time we get to spend on this planet and with one another. The only thing we do know for certain is that our time is limited.
To make the most of our time, we must notice when we are not confronting the things that we find difficult, so that we can get back on track sooner than later. Without developing our confront, we will likely find that we spend a significant portion of our lives avoiding difficulty and driving unintentional results instead of making progress toward what matters to us.
Stopping Ourselves
Most often, when we stop moving toward what we want, we are not actually stopped by anything external to ourselves. Rather, we are stopped by our response to our interpretation of the events around us.
This immediately suggests that we have two basic opportunities to improve our ability to move forward. We can:
- change our response to events.
- change our interpretation of events.
While it is possible to change our response to events, there is a reason why we respond the way we do. When we change our interpretation of events, we will naturally change the way we respond to those events because we see the events differently. Therefore, the most important thing we can do is examine and refine our interpretation of events.
Whether we accept perceived stops, resist difficulty, or let our fears rule us, certain responses are an invitation to look closer at how we are interpreting and defining things.
Accepting Stops
There are times when we see someone encounter a difficulty that doesn’t seem very difficult to us. We know what we’d do in that situation, but they seem to have accepted the difficulty as a stopping point.
We may watch them avoid, blame, complain, or do many different things to escape their perceived difficulty. Still, they do not move forward. They do none of the things that we can see are available to them. They have effectively stopped even though we can clearly see that there are other choices available to them.
In the same way, it is likely that we’ve accepted certain difficulties as stopping points, even though there are other choices available to us. Just because we cannot see other choices, does not mean that other choices do not exist.
When we feel stuck and out of options, it is important to understand that it is simply the way we are seeing and interpreting this event. Chances are, there are a variety of options that we cannot see currently. Asking friends, colleagues, or mentors if there is something we are not seeing in a situation will increase our awareness and help us stay on purpose.
~ Identify feeling stuck as the time to ask for help and see if an outside perspective can make us aware of choices that we are not seeing.
Disliking Difficulty
Something that is difficult requires effort or skill to perform or to understand. Unlike things that are easy, things that are difficult will require more attention, effort, and time from us.
When things are easy for us, we simply move forward, doing whatever is appropriate to navigate the situation. When things are difficult for us, we usually stop for a moment to figure out what to do.
How we define the very notion of difficulty and doing difficult things has a tremendous impact on how we respond.
Difficult things are fine; we can all do difficult things.
We get ourselves into trouble when we begin disliking difficulty and making it bigger than it is. Once we allow ourselves to define difficulty as something to dislike and resist, we begin responding to our difficulties in a way that makes addressing them harder.
We can shift our interpretation of difficulty from something to be avoided, to something to be excited about. One of the easiest ways to become excited about difficulty is to realize that anything we find challenging is the gateway to greater skill and understanding. This immediately gives us a better orientation toward the challenges that come our way.
Define that initial feeling of difficulty as the signal that we are about to get better at something. Whatever we personally consider difficult, it is merely something that we have not yet figured out how to handle well, yet. Whenever an event is difficult or taxing, we can be certain that we are going to become better at something, that we are going to grow as individuals.
~ Experiencing difficulty is a part of life. The sooner we learn to embrace difficulty, the sooner we can move toward growth with greater ease.
Letting Fear Rule
We are hardwired to feel fear as a survival mechanism. Whether it is fear of death, fear of failure, or fear of change itself, if fear has stopped you from expressing and moving toward a goal, then you are human.
Every one of us has stopped expressing ourselves at one point or another due to fear. The feeling of fear is meant to cause us to pause, become still, gather information, and make an appropriate and informed decision about how to move forward.
That pause we get when we feel afraid is fear working as it should. When fear gives us pause, it is meant to cause us to stop long enough to look twice and approach important events with the respect they deserve. It is what happens after that initial pause that determines whether our fear is working for us or working against us.
As we approach the edge of a cliff, we pause, slow down, and make certain that our footing is solid and that we are proceeding appropriately. This is fear functioning properly, enabling us to make an informed decision and take appropriate actions based on examination of our fear.
When fear causes us to stop completely, when we feel fear and avoid it without examining what it is, fear is now working against us. If pausing and then stopping completely is where we have left it, then we have missed an opportunity to confront and take advantage of our fears.
Our fears are not meant to rule us; our fears are meant to be a tool for us. An early warning system that alerts us that it is time to slow down and look closely to ensure that we proceed as appropriately as we can.
Fear is not meant to be a stop in and of itself. Fear exists to invite examination, a second look to proceed with respect. Use the pause to refocus, recall your deeper intentions and see how best to move towards what matters in this situation. When we practice using our fears as a tool and putting the pause to work, life will become more interesting and exciting as we confront our fears and continue move toward the meaningful things we want.
~ Recognize and redefine fear as friendly reminder to pay more attention. Utilize the pause to consider and proceed appropriately.”
— Excerpted from The Art of True Advantage, Chapter 3